where is IT?

right now it's one of the most challenging moments of my life.
to think that i have to make the decisions so early...
i still cannot bear the consequences of my choice.
should I or should i not?
that is the question.
what i really want,
what i really cared about,
what is it that i'm actually looking for
that i'd traveled so far in reach of the sea of unknowns,
which is so terrifying even now after years...
i still cannot afford to make these choices now,
no i cannot see the end right now.
it's as if i'm waiting for someone or something
to make all of these impossible things to possible,
 i need a push, a really strong push from behind...
the passion, the fire, the motivation,
 the hope, the dream,
what is it that i'm looking for i cannot see it still....
please let me find it,
 i cannot move on without it,
i need that something...
where is it the one thing i seek,
 i cannot feel it coming and yet,
i need it now more than ever....

I'm ALIVE!

Nothing I say comes out right
I can't love without a fight
no one ever knows my name
when i pray for sun, it rains
i'm so sick of wasting time
but nothing's moving in my mind
inspiration can't be found
i get up and fall but
I'm alive, i'm alive
oh yeah
between the good and bad is where you'll find me
reaching for heaven
i will fight
and i'll sleep when i die
i live my life oh
i'm alive,  i'm alive
oh yeah
between the good and bad is where you'll find me
reaching for heaven
i will fight
and i will sleep if i die
i live my hard life
i live my life
I'm ALIVE!

on nights i cant SLEEP

What do u do on nights u cant sleep? counting sheeps? play ur phone? just keep ur eyes shut n wait till u reallt sleep? get up n do something tiring? read books? well, for now apparently i'm blogging! coz its too mainstream to blog during any other day! how i wish theres no lectures on monday mornings! It's just torturing! Monday blues are everywhere! Right, i'm gonna write till i'm sleepy n everything will be quite gibberish n blabbering. If its not making sense bcoz i am writing whatever i thought of so lets not make that brain even more active aye whatchasay mates? Ok i'm tired holding this phone like this on bed but oh well thats the whole point of it . Its all dark in here. Ah i see stars on my ceiling! I love them! Although some had fallen lols. If it did fall, esp those large ones, i tend to get superstitious n thought that as some bad omen. Oh well whats thr not to believe pr to believe if u hav nothing else to believe or lose?alright my hands are tired…gonna really try to close my eyes method. Don wan to dozeoff during that lecture! Buhbye n nights n ignore this random post lols shud put that as title?
Ps i hate cleaning up just before bed it takes too much effort! Better go snoring!

it's just a matter of CHOICES

we live a life of choices. everyday we have to make choices in order to live. the choices can be anything, it can be as small as what would I choice for my dinner to choices that matters life or death. it's cruel but its essential. its not an easy choice, none of any choices have really been easy actually, or it wouldn't be called choices, right? there's never really been obvious choices. it's just the matter of what actually matters more to u. the path not taken, the choice not chosen, the road not taken, the future not ventured, there's bound to have some little regret or that little voice deep in ur head that says : What if, I choose that other choice from back then? will anything change? will it be a better choice? there's no way of knowing it. the only way is to continue on the path that u chose a long time ago and stop glancing back ur shoulder on the choices that u left out when u made that choice. there's no use to it. what's done been done, and will not change. until u're in the middle of another set of choices, u'll have to start that cycle of making choices, again. at this very moment, what would u do? what matters to u? what's better for u, or in the matter of fact is it always about u? what's the effect to the others that are affected by ur choice? it can come to a time when u had to make a choice for others, not u urself... remember, there's never an easy choice.
now i'm presented with a choice of my future. should I or should I not? that is the question, really. . its not just a choice that affects my future path, it affects of who i am, it represents of what i want to become. the choice, could have made me change for the rest of my life, or it could still not change me but made me a worse personality. think, think, think. think, think, think carefully. time is ticking, fast. never coming back. u don't want to regret after all that u've done. what questions should i ask myself before this choices? what matters to me more? what's affected? who's affected? am i up to it? am i capable of making that choice? what will i do if i made that choice? is it what i really want? or it's just what people expects from me? or is it just what people want me to do? be more confident! be more to urself! be more assertive! be more honest to urself! listen to what ur heart says! its a simple choice but not an easy one. no, i cant regret! don't be lazy girl! think carefully! I'm still thinking... thinking, thinking....

噩梦是有原因的

那第一步真的真的，很难。改变，对我来说简直就是个噩梦！comfort zone, 我，不想从那唯一有光线的里面出来。外面一片黑暗，完全看不到前方。怎么办？我是一个胆小鬼，却很好胜。虽然嘴里不说，心里已是一片混乱，纠结，矛盾，悲愤，可悲，嫉妒，羡慕，无言，无奈，百感交集。什么东西，卡在喉咙里，手不停的抓着喉咙。我想要呐喊，喊吧，喊吧，喊吧~！只要喊出来，说清楚就行了！为什么，为什么，对我来说是那么的，那么的，难？谁来？谁来把我从那里面，救出来？快，赶快！黑和白已变成漩涡，我就要被淹没了。。。

从梦中惊醒过来，手已被握得通红，指甲印在手掌上，久久不能消退。用手背把额头的汗擦干，刘海已经湿的变柳条状了。转头看向那小方块的钟，时针指向6.25am。这么早啊？好久好久，没做梦了。这个梦是什么啊？一片混乱，是在暗示我的心理吗？心脏还在扑通扑通的跳。脑袋还是一片混乱。什么跟什么嘛？难得的假期，竟然这么早醒。刚才的梦已把我弄得整个精神起来了，怎么都睡不着。

MiDDLE!

I like middle, such as
middle of the seats, so no stranger will sit beside me n i can put my things on both sides
middle of the set time, means if i cant decide a time frame between 10am to 11am, just make it 10.30am!
middle of the street, forming a circle in the middle of the road or street or walkway with friends and talk
middle of the bed, so i wont fall down n have plenty of space to roll over
middle of the shower, i don like getting in or out of the shower but in the middle of it cause its cold outside!
etc.
however, there's a middle i hate to do n been doing it almost whole my life......
MIDDLE PERSON
I dislike being a middle person between conflicts, or potential conflicts, or whatsoeverwouldyoucallit
its not a good place to be in the middle but sometimes u just cant stop being it when u're the only one able to do it. that's what make it even worst cause u cant just quit. cant stop feeling helplessness (无奈感)

蛮喜欢的一句话

生活并不完美，但并不代表它不美，多看看你人生当中美的部分吧。否则我们永远会有羡慕不完的别人的人生。---《我可能不会爱你》