Think NEGATIVE?!

oopsy!! lately, I've been a bit negative. Must be because I've been alone in the room "cooking" drama for far too long hours. I've begun to think about negative stuff like why am I here, or who am I. seems like corny old questions asked too much in the drama. but this is truly how i feel. I'm not a great person, obviously, nor a person with talents. i'm just an ordinary girl imagining of not so ordinary stuff in her dreams. the sad thing is, I have no talent. well, at least as far as I know, I still cant find what's the thing I want to do the most, what is the thing that I'm really good at. I'm not an enthusiastic person. I'm ignorant. I'm ignorant to the world around me. I dont seem to care about what happened around me. It's like it's no business to me. I may be care about something at some point but I always loss the "enthusiasm" in it and move on. I dont know if that's a good thing or not. But it definitely do me no good at some point in my life. I want to feel enthusiastic. I want to express myself. I want to have someone to talk about my feelings, my thoughts. I need someone who doesn't judge me for who I am. I admit. I'm afraid of what others think of me. I'm scared that they don't like me, I'm scared that they hate me. I'm scared that they dont care for me. I admit sometimes I'm a selfish person. but this may account to my lack of enthusiasm for anything. I cant feel it, the feeling so strong to want to do something or to care for someone or something. Why? why cant i feel it? things can be so much easier if i can feel it. I have one more bad habit. to run from the things i dont like. yes, reluctant is the word. I feel reluctance for the things i hate or dislike. I'm reluctant. I run away. from reality, from friends who needs help n support, from the feelings i had for others. I'm afraid to reveal them, afraid to express my feelings and thoughts. i, run away... i dont dare to take the responsibility. i'm afraid to take it because i know i may not be able to keep the promises i made. so i dont make promises. anyone who knows me well enough might as well know this side of me. of not daring enough to take the chance, to promise anyone anything that's important. it's because i dont have the enthusiasm in the things i do. in fact, i loss my enthusiasm fast. i lost interest in something really fast and ended up not doing it well enough. i dont know what i'm writing at this point. i might be just trying to complain to myself or just to express my thoughts about myself. it's just so hard. i cant seem to have the courage to say out loud my thoughts and feelings. no one as ever seen the real me. of what i really think. maybe it's my reluctance doing its "job" again.